forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
