We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
