Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
