explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
