It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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