In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
