if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
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I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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