I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
