hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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