You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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