Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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