If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
