Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
