u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
