Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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