Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
