You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think my vagina is haunted
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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