dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
