I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
