do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
