but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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