Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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