i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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