found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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