Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
