i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
