Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
