Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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