Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
