I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
