I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
