I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
