Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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