dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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