THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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