ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
