Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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