Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
