you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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