Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
