Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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