Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
