I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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