either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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