Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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