He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so let's talk penis.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
