You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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