The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
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Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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