seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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