Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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