Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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