Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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