I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
