The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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