if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
too bad you live with your parents still
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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