I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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