If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
