wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
