This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
